by Sean Garrity, CEO, GBC

And people say there are no stupid questions… 

French fries have long been known as the quintessential burger side. And for good reason. Those little sticks of potatoey goodness offer the perfect vehicles to sop up the special sauce and runoff dripping from that juicy double-double. Other potential candidates (broccoli, I’m looking at you) just don’t seem to have the same appeal. The portability of fries make them a pragmatic choice. They’re also just fucking good. Really fucking good. 

There aren’t many pleasures in life that can match seeing an order of fries lifted steaming hot and fresh out of the oil and then popping one of those expertly salted beauties into your mouth. The burns on your tongue are worth the ecstasy. Think fluffy on the inside and golden, crispy, and delicious on the outside. Hallelujah! Praise be! Under Burg’s eye! 

French fries have evolved and transformed over millennia and today have separated into a number of unique species. In the modern era, our taxonomic categorization of fried potatoes gives us shoestring (fast food-style), crinkle cut, steak, waffle, curly, wedges, tater tots, sweet potato, homefries, and potato chips (or crisps for our UK-based readers). And this list isn’t exhaustive, I’m sure. 

Each of these variations finds a niche within the world’s culinarily diverse burger cultures. And  while many prefer one variety over the others, it’s probably safe to say that most appreciate all forms of fried potato. (Except sweet potato fries. Their inventor belongs in the ninth circle of hell.)  

We recently surveyed the Gainesville Burger Club membership, and the results on French fry preference were conclusive. The majority – 42% to be exact – preferred fast food-style shoestring fries over all varietals. Let’s take a look at some of the comments and results garnered from our scientific paper. 

As GBC Artist-in-Residence Edie Schaub said, “Frites à la française s’il vous plaît.” (If you don’t speak French, use Google Translate, you barbarian!) 

Livin’ on a Shoestring*

Bunny ears, bunny ears, playing by a tree… How did that old rhyme go that teaches kids how to tie their kicks? Doesn’t matter – we’re talking about shoestring fries. These babies are the stuff of fast food dreams. As the name implies, the fries are as slender as shoestrings but are much tastier than your laces. 

“Different fries complement different dishes, but I think as an accompaniment to burgers, shoestring fries are best,” said Gainesville Burger Club Member-At-Large Jud Philpot. 

In their ideal form, shoestring fries are some of the crispiest in the business but maintain the billowy starchy interior of a much larger fried potato. 

It’s hard to say, but do you know that large burger chain that claims billions upon billions served? (I’m not naming it!) Well, many see its shoestring fries as representing the gold standard of fried potato. And I must (begrudgingly) agree. On the right day, at the right hour (and maybe the stars align and the ice cream machine is in working order, too), the fries coming out of that Scottish restaurant are just so damned perfect. The Platonic ideal of fry. But many other establishments are doing the shoestring justice these days, too. 

“Shoestring are French fry chopsticks, and I’m all for it,” said GBC Chief Wellness Officer Jake Crown. 

More Classic Cuts: Crinkle, Steak, and Waffle 

Man, I’ve heard a lot of hate directed at crinkle cut fries over the years. People have described them to me as being “low rent,” or given me a “lolz, crinklz” upon their mention. Maybe this is because of some childhood trauma associated with the cut they’ve experienced. I mean, most of us have been served cold, soggy crinkle cut fries on our school cafeteria lunch trays. That’s enough to put one off the crinks for good. 

“I like shoestring from McDonald’s (he named it!) but that’s about it,” said GBC member and Van Halen enthusiast Jay Hogsette. “At Culver’s or cooking at home, I always get crinkle cut.”

But these ridged wonders have some surprises in their folds. When properly fried to GBD (golden, brown, and delicious), the crinkles provide a toothsome textural experience. 

“I went with crinkle,” said GBC Legal Counsel Mark Morchel. “Long as a ring finger with a good fry-to-fluff ratio.”

And talk about holding onto dipping sauces. Like a good rigatoni grabs a bolognese, the crinkles trap ketchup, mayo, ranch, burger juice, et al, with striking efficiency. 

“Crinkle rules for holding your choice of condiment, and all those lil folds get so crispy!” said GBC Pastry Chef Nicki Weaver.

But Mike Salay, GBC Secretary of Tattoo, disagreed about crinkle’s condiment adhering performance, saying, “Steak fries are potato spoons.”

Cut thick like a cowboy ribeye, steak fries present a robust and satisfying option. These babies are most commonly found in Jewish delicatessens. Some of the best I’ve had were alongside a hot plate of pastrami at Katz’s in NYC. Piled high and starchy AF, steak fries could even be a meal by themselves. But how are they when accompanying a burger? They’re fried potatoes. They’ll work, but you’re gonna need to adjust your belt! 

Leggo my… Stopping there to avoid copyright infringement. Some people really fucking love waffle fries and will fall on swords defending their royal status. Waffle fries are known for their distinctive grid pattern, which creates a surprisingly light and airy texture when dipped into and retrieved from hot oil. 

GBC Events Planner Stef Jones had a surprising take on the fries with her nod to skateboard culture. 

“Waffle,” she said. “Cos they are the Vans stamp of French fries!” 

There’s a lot of surface area on these bad boys, and that means a crispy canvas to paint with salt and pepper and spatter with your favorite sauce. 

The Fryer Less Traveled: Curly Fries, Wedges, Tater Tots 

OMG, curly fries are so fun and whimsical. The playful corkscrews deliver a twist on this traditional burger side. Often referred to as curls, these spiraling wonders are reminiscent of twirling waterslides leading into pools of ketchup. They are the things of state fairs and music festivals and make great partners for burgers and funnel cakes alike.

In the late 1990s, many then young and spry GBC members found employment at a local establishment called Cafe Gardens, and one of the highlights on the menu were wedges. There, the crispy potato sections were made by baking a bunch of potatoes during the prep shift and cooling them in the walk-in prior to service. Once a ticket emerged with an order, a line cook would cut 1.5 of those baked beauts into wedge shapes, dunk them into the fryer until they were gold and hella crispy, and stick them in a basket with a side of sour cream-based dill dip. Oh là là. C’est magnifique! (Google Translate, you uncultured swine!) These ain’t your grandma’s steak fries. But not everyone agrees that wedges are a good option.

“Steak fries? Just order a baked potato,” said Mark Morchel, Esq. “And wedges are like steak fries with the skin.” 

In recent years, tater tots seem to have made a comeback and now make appearances on burger joint menus everywhere. For a long time, tater tots may have had similar issues as crinkle cuts. There’s nothing worse than a soggy, undercooked tot, man. Total garbage. But when they’re crispy, look the fuck out. These motherfuckers can elevate a meal and, sometimes, even become its star. 

Unconventional Wildcards: Sweet Potato Fries, Homefries, Potato Chips

Sweet potato fries are trash, and I don’t even want to talk about them. Mark Morchel, Esq., may have said it best:

“Sweet potato fries are an interloper on this list. Soggy. Taste like soil. Rarely fried. Never crispy.”

Homefries seem like a strange choice to accompany a burger. However, some years back, we gave the GBC Burger of the Year™ trophy to an establishment that fried up some of the best of these breakfast staples alongside its award-winning burger. These cubes of potato were so goddamn crispy and sprinkled with a generous amount of coarse kosher salt, and it worked! Super good.

Potato chips? Sure, they’re OK in a pinch. Like a picnic or backyard BBQ. But, really, they seem like kind of a cop out if you have frying capabilities. 

So, Do You Want Fries With That?

Oui. Duh.

*To clear up confusion, it’s important to note here that shoestring fries are not the dry-ass potato sticks that come in a can in the dry goods section of the grocery store!)