Gainesville Burger Club

by Sean Garrity, CEO, GBC

I’ve said for quite some time that a burger closest to its Platonic ideal would likely be constructed with a potato roll, two well-seasoned thin griddled patties, American cheese, finely diced onions, dill pickles, and yellow mustard. Doesn’t that sound perfect? Well, it may come as a surprise to learn that people like to put all kinds of other shit on their burgers. 

If you were to ask a few random strangers on the street about their thoughts on burger toppings, they’d probably take out the mace and request that you slowly back away, you fuckin’ weirdo. 

But if we were to conduct a more scientific study based on survey data and a random sampling of restaurant menus, we may be able to devise a testable hypothesis stating that lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickles (LTOP) are the standard veg to rest between the buns. We’d also likely end up with mayo, ketchup and mustard as the requisite condiments. 

This makes me feel uncomfortable, to be sure. But I can see reasons for the pervasiveness of LTOP. Lettuce adds a crunch. Tomatoes provide a certain sweetness and freshness, onions bring a snap of tang and pungency, and pickles lend the acid component that’s needed to break through the richness of the patty and cheese.  

The main gripe I have with toppings is that they can, sometimes, rail against the GBC philosophical assertion that espouses “the whole burger must be something greater than the sum of its parts.” According to the GBC scoring rubric, a good burger eats like a symphony where each movement plays an integral role – but, when placed in the context of the totality, they create a masterpiece that sings to the heavens. Praise burg. 

What the Experts Say About Burger Accoutrements

To get to the bottom of the topping debate, we asked our members their thoughts. And, as expected, opinions were all over the culinary map.  

GBC Member-at-Large David Pinner said he normally orders his burgers with whatever toppings are included on the menu listing. That way, he is really able to wrap his mind around the chef’s thought processes. 

“I’m always trying to figure out what their intent was in the flavor and crunch of a particular burger,” he said. 

David is a big fan of lettuce, tomatoes, and dill pickles, which seems to conform to majority consensus. However, he also noted that there are some other toppings that can really make a burger for him.

“A good melting cheese – American is great, but I also like provolone,” David said. “And bacon! I’m also a fan of French-fried onions. They can give the burger a nice crunch.” 

GBC Artist-in-Residence Edie Schaub diverges from David’s approach and told us she’s not always too keen on accoutrements. 

“I only get toppings on certain burgers like Mac’s or Bev’s,” she said. “If I get them, it’s LTO and mayo or special sauce. Good, crisp lettuce adds nice texture and freshness and it works to counterbalance the greasy meat and cheese.”

Edie’s approach is well-thought-out and makes a lot of sense, much like longtime GBC member Jay Hogsette’s. 

Jay is a principled man who enjoys the simple pleasures of mustard, pickles, and onions on his burger. And he has sound reasons for this construction preference.

“I normally get just mayo and cheese to get the full flavor of the seared crust of the burger,” Jay said. “But I’ll add the mustard, pickles, and onion to make it a bit stronger and add to the saltiness.” 

Buddy Schaub, GBC’s Cheesiest Executive Officer, has a kind of laissez-faire attitude toward condiments. 

“I’ll switch it up, sometimes Mayo and Ketchup, sometimes Catsup and Mustard, sometimes just German Mustard,” he said. “It all depends on which way the winds of my taste buds are blowing that day.”

I think the difference between Ketchup and Catsup, as Buddy spelled them respectively, might warrant its own article. But Buddy’s nihilistic, “Dust in the Wind” condiment philosophy seems to have some merit. Even when confronted with the purposeless void, he still maintains a love affair with sweaty onions that gives his life meaning. 

“I simply love the complexity that caramelized onions bring to a well salted patty,” he said. “Their sweet juices melding with the salty grease in my mouth like the London Philharmonic.”

Innovation or Idiocy: Over-the-Top Toppings

I’ll say it. Too many restaurants rely on what I’d call stunt toppings to hide inadequate burgers. It’s reminiscent of that famous scene from The Wizard of Oz.

“Pay no attention to that burger patty behind the curtain of pork belly and chorizo!” 

The topping relevancy metric in the GBC scoring rubric attempts to hold such monstrosities accountable. But, alas, the document hasn’t gotten the widespread adoption that it commands.

“I hate non-traditional burger toppings like Perogies, Shrimp, or Mac & Cheese,” Edie said. “Those should be separate meals. Perogies are the most ridiculous burger topping.” 

After one too many double-tall whiskey and sodas at an expensive steak house, I once ordered a foie gras-topped burger, complete with goat cheese, marinated cherry tomatoes, roasted garlic, and arugula. I mean, considering my level of intoxication, it was pretty damn good. But it was dumb. And at $42? Dumb AF. 

Buddy would likely agree with my sentiments on organ meat atop the patty.

“I also don’t like a burger topped with the left ventricle of an elk heart lightly basted in port wine,” he said. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Jay’s also seen some shit. And I must say, I don’t want to know where he’s witnessed such topping madness.  

“Hershey’s syrup, Peanut Butter (that’s becoming a trend now), Pineapples,” he said when asked about weird and wacky toppings. I could hear his eyes roll back in his head at his mention of Hershey’s. 

David’s actually tried peanut butter on a burger. I think I remember watching an episode of the famous George Motz’s show where he traced the history of such a burger back to 1940s Missouri where it’s called a gooberburger. 

“It wasn’t horrible, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to order it again,” David said. 

Some GBC members will remember an early meeting when we took a trip to Krispy Kreme to buy buns for our Luther Burgers. Named after the late Luther Vandross, these Frankensteined burgers leverage two glazed donuts for buns. Indulgent? Yes. Unnecessary? Maybe. 

“Anything where the bun is not the bun but instead something ridiculous like apple fritters, or two grilled cheeses, or deep fried chicken breasts are strictly off the table for me,” Buddy said. “I like Big Buns and I can not lie!”

So there you have it. Does a Platonic ideal exist? I don’t fuckin’ know. You should ask a philosophy major. But excellent burgers do exist. Top them with what you enjoy, unless it’s Hershey’s syrup. Get outta here with that!